So, what do you do?

Somewhere along the line, this blog became more or less a weekly column. I kind of like having that format attached to it. Let's make it official. Sunday night is now my official weekly post night. I might still throw in a bonus once in a while, but I'll make a commitment to you, my faithful reader: If you come by Monday morning, I'll have something new for you.

From time to time I have special moments with my son that catch me totally by surprise. It's usually witnessing a developmental milestone, like the first time he called me "Daddy." I'm still not convinced he really knows what that means, since he walks around the house saying "daddy, daddy!" to nobody in particular, but that was one of those times when I felt so happy to be a dad, and so totally in love with my little boy. A couple of months ago, when he was sick and we were in the waiting room at the doctor's office, we read a book together and he pointed out all the round objects in the pictures ("Ball! Ball!"). That was another one. This afternoon as I was leaving for work, I crouched down and spread my arms for a hug. I do this a lot. I say, "Hug?" and Xander looks at me and then goes wandering off after a ball or some crumbs on the kitchen floor. But not today. Today he walked right into my open arms and I gave him a big hug. Then when I let him go, he said, "Bye!" I probably could have cried, I was so happy.

I need these moments in my life to remind me of the reason I'm doing all the crazy work and school stuff I'm doing. It's not about me any more. I'm working 30+ hours while a full-time, professional student so that some day I won't have to be this busy. I'm doing all this so my son can be raised by his parents, not a nanny or a daycare. If it means I have to go days at a time without seeing them, it will all some day be worth it. Some people have a clear calling for their lives. They want to be pharmacists (or engineers, or astronauts, or presidents) from their early childhoods and never imagine doing something else. These are the people that would do their job even if it didn't pay anything. I admire people like that, but that will never be me. I'm not going to pharmacy school because it fulfills me. I think I'll contribute to society when I'm a pharmacist, and the field interests me, and I feel good about both of those things. I don't expect to have any difficulty doing it for the rest of my life. But if I won the PowerBall tomorrow, I probably wouldn't go on to be a career pharmacist. I'd finish school; I've invested too much time to back out now. I might even practice for a while, to make myself feel like I'd accomplished something. I just don't feel like my career as a pharmacist, or as anything else, will ever define me. Whatever I end up "doing with my life" will be secondary. To me, what I do with my life will be raising my family. That's my number one priority. Pharmacy is a means to that end. It's the best means I can find, because I don't know anybody who pays you to be a dad.

Since I'm hopelessly off on a tangent anyway, I might as well keep going. See, I think our society views work too seriously. One of the first questions you ask somebody when you meet them is, "So, what do you do?" And the answer? I'm an accountant. I work for IBM. I own my own business. I'm a poker dealer.

I don't blame people for asking, or for answering this way, because I do it, too. It's a social value. What you do to earn your living is one of the major characteristics of a person. But maybe it shouldn't be. What do I do? I chase my boy around the house. I play Cribbage and Scrabble with my wife. I love Wii Fit. I write a crappy little blog that so far has made ten dollars from advertisements but that fulfills me ten times more than the job that puts food on my table and a roof over my head. I tip well, I try not to speak negatively about other people, and I go to church every Sunday (even when it means I only get four hours of sleep).

I don't know if I'm trying to say we should change the way we make small talk. We probably shouldn't. Our society isn't based on forming substantial relationships with everyone you meet. What I'm trying to say is that we should stop defining ourselves, and our close friends and family, by how they earn a living. A job is a job. If you're one of the lucky ones who gets paid to do the thing they love the most, good for you. You're still allowed to answer that question with your job title. For the vast majority of us, I think we should change the way we think. My wife hasn't worked since May. When people ask me what she does, I proudly tell them that she's a stay-at-home mom. And I'm not embarassed to say that. I'm jealous of her.

Thanks for stopping by, and I'll see you next week.

It's almost December already

This sign appears on the Anschutz Medical Campus between the north and south wings of Education Building 2. I think it's hilarious. Not even the illustrative stick man wants to go see the dentist.

The semester is winding down! We don't have any more academic sessions in Skills. Finals start in like two weeks. Most classes have one exam remaining. There is no class Thursday or Friday. I'm almost certainly going to pass the term.

In fact, I have a good chance to make a 3.5 GPA or higher. That's exciting to me, given the struggles I've shared in this forum. I wonder if this is my own ego talking, or if maybe my readers feel the same way. Almost like, "Aw, look at li'l Buffalo Pharmer... he's come so far!" Well, I think having this outlet has helped, so even if you don't feel like you contributed to my success, you did. Thank you.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It's pretty much the only one that still means what it's supposed to mean. And Labor Day, maybe. But Thanksgiving is, and has always been, a day to get together with family, feast on some fantastic food, and be thankful for all the blessings in your life. Christ is gone from Christmas, and definitely gone from Easter. Memorial Day is a day to get drunk. So is St. Patrick's Day, although that may be more appropriate. Fourth of July? Drinking holiday. New Year's? That shouldn't even be a holiday. I'm still not clear about what we're supposed to celebrate on that one. MLK? Sweet, a day off! Halloween? Let's dress all skanky AND get drunk! You see my point. Thanksgiving remains true to its roots. I like that.

I think that's all I have right now. The Nuggets look pretty good, don't they? Yeah, they do. Thanks for stopping by, and come back soon.

I think I figured something out

First, a side note. One of the ads on my facebook Tetris game just now said "Dads get Master's Degree." I thought it would have to suck to share a graduate degree with other dads. Maybe tuition is less that way.

Anyway, the past couple of weeks I've been riding the bus to class a lot and as a result spending more time on campus. Almost magically, my comprehension of course material has gone up concurrently. It's almost like interacting with other students is improving my recollection of the material. Also, I feel more connected to my classmates. So, if you're one of the unfortunate students upon whom I have forced my need to study in a group, I'm sorry. I know that sort of came out of nowhere and without invitation. I appreciate it, though, and I feel confident that I'm going to succeed in pharmacy school for the first time since the semester began.

That's not to say that I had any doubts about passing. In some courses I've felt very good about my progress. This week I feel like I'm getting it all at once. There's no single class that I feel is a weak spot. I don't know whether I'm bound for a 4.0 or anything, but I'm going to do better than just getting by this semester.

I don't have a whole lot else to say at the moment. Maybe over the weekend I can make a longer post. For now, thanks for stopping by, and come back soon.

I miss my family

I miss my family.

I hate to beat this point to death, but I am far too busy. This isn’t what I thought pharmacy school would be like. I don’t know exactly what I was imagining, but involved me working much less and my wife working more. Instead, she’s not working while I’m working too much. In one sense, I’m happy to do this, because it lets her stay home with Xander, and I think that’s important. I don’t want my children to be raised by strangers. But on the other hand, I’m stretched way too thin. I’m exhausted on three or four days of the week, and on the others I’m just trying to catch up on sleep and school work. The thing that’s getting neglected her are my wife and my son.

Wednesday night I came home after not having spent any waking time with my son for three days. Suddenly he’s transformed into a walking, talking, tantrum-throwing toddler. This isn’t the same kid I was playing with even a week ago, and I missed it! Something changed while I was away at class and work, and I’m just worried that so much will change he won’t know who I am. He obviously prefers his mother, which is a pretty normal attachment, but I don’t feel like I’m his parent any more. I miss the days that I would be with him from waking until dinner time when Jaime finally got home from work. I miss taking him to the mall with me and I miss playing Dance Dance Revolution while he watches me and I know I’m missing so much right now that I’ll probably never experience. It makes me cry.

The last time I spent time with my wife without practically falling asleep or biting her head off because I was so exhausted was two weeks ago when a foot of snow closed just about everything in the city for a day and a half. That was a great time, but it was so brief and it only happened because of some lucky and well-timed weather. I hate that I’m doing this to her, and I don’t know what to do about it.

I know this might be a little awkward to read, depending on how well you know me. I’m not writing this to ask for your help, and I’m not trying to get anybody’s pity. I wanted to express these feelings in some way because I don’t have time to talk about it with anyone, and I don’t process my feelings verbally. When I started this blog I thought it would be an outsider’s guide to pharmacy school, but it very rarely is. If anyone’s still reading, I’m sorry, but thank you for sticking around. If you want, you can pray that I’ll have the wisdom to be a better husband and father. If you’re not that kind of person who prays, keep me in your thoughts. And please remember your loved ones. I know they drive us crazy sometimes, but trust me, you’d miss them if they weren’t around.

Thanks for stopping by, and come back soon.

Let me give you a bit of a rant here

I am not getting a pharmaceutical degree.

Increasingly, friends and coworkers and strangers have been asking me how my pharmaceutical studies are going. Let me clear a matter of vocabulary for you all. (Please note: this is not a dig at anybody in particular nor is it a personal attack. If you've been saying "pharmaceuticals" you shouldn't be offended - just keep reading.) I used to just let this go, since I know they're just trying to be interested in what I'm doing and make friendly conversation. But it makes me cringe inside every time I hear it.

Pharmaceutical sciences is a real field. My school offers a PhD program in it. This is the study of drug mechanisms, chemical reactions, kinetics, and so on. It's hard science. The guy behind the counter at Walgreen's does not get this degree. The guy at Pfizer who invents new drugs gets this degree. And I'd rather be the first one than the second. (Another note: I'm not committed to Walgreen's in specific or retail chain pharmacy in general; this is purely an example.) To be explicitly clear, I'm pursuing the Pharm.D. degree, or doctor of pharmacy. I will be a healthcare provider, not a scientist. I study existing drugs, not new ones, and well-established drug classes, not theoretical chemistry. So next time ask me how my pharmacy classes are going. I know it's tempting to adjective-ize (this is a word; look it up) it to pharmaceutical, but it's more appropriate to use the noun as an adjective. It's pharmacy school. Thank you for your time.